So today I got this wild idea to try out retro sexuality after seeing some vintage magazine scans online. Total old-school vibes, right? Figured I’d dig into it like my usual experiments – just jump in headfirst and see what happens.
Step 1: Raiding My Closet
First thing I did was rummage through my wardrobe hunting for anything remotely “retro”. Found grandpa’s old wool vest that smells like mothballs, some stiff bell-bottoms from that awful 70s costume party last year, and a polka dot scarf my aunt gave me. Threw ’em all on the bed and stared. Not gonna lie, looked like a thrift store explosion.
Step 2: The Hair Disaster
Grabbed my mom’s ancient hairspray can – the one that sounds like a dying bee when you shake it. Tried slicking my hair back like those old Hollywood dudes. Sprayed so much my eyes stung. Ended up with crunchy clumps sticking up like antennae. Washed it out twice and still found sticky patches behind my ears.
Step 3: Acting Like A Walking Time Capsule
Put on the whole ridiculous outfit and waddled to the grocery store (couldn’t bend my knees in those pants). Behaved “gentlemanly” like old movies – held doors for people, tipped an imaginary hat to the confused cashier. Felt super awkward when some teens snickered at my outfit. Almost tripped twice because bell-bottoms are basically leg traps.
Step 4: Trying Vintage Flirting? Big Oof
Decided to test retro charm at the coffee shop. Told the barista “Gee, you’re swell!” like some 1950s cartoon. She just blinked and asked if I wanted oat milk. Tried leaning casually against the counter but knocked over the sugar jars. Left a quarter as a tip like it was 1955 prices. Got a death stare from the guy behind me in line.
Step 5: Aftermath And Thoughts
- The vest itched like crazy
- Spent 20 minutes picking hairspray flakes off my shirt
- My legs felt sore from fighting those pants all afternoon
- Still finding glitter from that damn scarf everywhere
Honestly? Felt like cosplay but more embarrassing. Kinda see the appeal in slow living and manners from back then – but mostly I just felt like a museum exhibit. Might try polishing grandpa’s old fountain pen tomorrow though. That part seemed kinda cool.
Final takeaway: Retro sexuality’s like those fancy vintage cars – fun to look at but a pain in the ass to actually drive daily. Might steal the “holding doors” habit though. The barista didn’t seem to hate that part.
